Hello. My name is Valerie Smith and I am a very grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has been delivered from alcohol abuse and struggles with low self-esteem, social anxiety and an eating disorder. I have been involved in Celebrate Recovery for almost 7 years now, and I credit this ministry and the relationship I found with my Lord and Savior for saving my life. Without those two things, I honestly don’t know if I would be standing here today.
I was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma and experienced what would be considered by most, a very “normal” childhood. I had loving parents who supported my younger sister and me in most everything we did. They taught us right from wrong. We were raised in church, going to Sunday school on a regular basis. When I was in fourth grade, we began attending Asbury United Methodist Church and to this day, I consider Asbury my church home.
As a child, I was taller and skinnier than most, and awkward in most social situations. My sister was very outgoing, and I was content to stay in the shadows and let her have the attention she required. I did not like to be the focus of others attention, positive or negative, and did my best to be “invisible”. I was involved in some activities, girl scouts, softball, pom-pon, but for the most part, I kept to myself. I had a small group of friends and was never part of the “in” crowd. I never dated, never had a boyfriend, and was known as the nerdy smart girl but never the cute, fun girl. I was a “good girl” and made my parents proud, but I was never really happy.
When I was 10 years old, I attended a summer Girl Scout Camp in Locust Grove, Oklahoma that would change my perspective on life forever. During my first night of camp, three of my camp-mates were murdered in their tent about 100 yards from where I was sleeping. I spent the next couple weeks talking to police, looking at pictures and being asked to remember details about that night. I didn’t realize at the time how this event would impact me, but over 30 years later, I still see the aftermath. I learned that night that really bad things can and do happen, and I began to fear things that most people never think about. I also realize that this was one of my first experiences with Denial. While the accused killer was acquitted of the crime, to this day I choose to believe that he was guilty because the thought that the person who did that is still out there is sometimes too hard to imagine. Denial works great….right up to the point that it doesn’t.
When I was a senior in high school, I started making plans to attend OSU. I was excited about that new chapter in my life, although I was very nervous about whether or not I would fit in. At the end of that year, when everyone was excited about prom, graduation, and heading out on our own, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My family had a history of breast cancer, and it was not something that people survived so I was terrified at the news. She had surgery that summer and when I headed off to OSU, she was cancer free, but my world had changed.
My mom had encouraged me to go through sorority rush because she knew how shy I was and thought it would help me make friends. Rush was difficult, though, because everyone I met asked what I did over the summer. I quickly learned that no one wanted to hear about cancer, so I tucked that experience away and did not speak of it again. Instead, I pretended to be just like everyone else….happy, care-free and ready to take on the world! I pledged a sorority and initially found a group of friends that I could relate to, smart, quiet and more concerned about academics than social activities. After a semester of hanging with that crowd, I started to notice that there was a much bigger group of girls that were popular and fun and I wanted to be part of that group. When I returned for my sophomore year, I discovered what all these girls had in common. They drank. I had been raised not to do that, but I was tired of being left out and I wanted to have some fun and escape the reality that was my life. I quickly settled in to this crowd. It was easy. Just go out and get drunk and I was accepted. I also discovered that guys liked the party girls. It was during this year that I had my first sexual encounter. It was intoxicating to feel like someone desired me that much (even if we were both drunk at the time). Before I realized what was happening, my life became a quest to find that feeling again. Of course, I was far too shy to flirt with guys on my own, so alcohol and sex went hand in hand. Unfortunately this is a pattern that would continue for many years to come.
I graduated from college in four years, just like the “good girl” that I had always strived to be. And as far as most people knew, I was that girl. My sister knew that I had started drinking in college, and at one point told me that when I died, God would spit me out of his mouth and send me to hell. My sister had taken the “holier than thou” route through college and claimed she was merely using scripture to turn me from my destructive ways. Revelation 3:16 says “So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth”. But whatever her reason, those words stung. And they sent the message that I was no longer good enough to go to church. I had been bad, and unfortunately I could not recall a Sunday school lesson that taught me what to do when that happened. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I ran away from church. I hid from all my perfect friends who were still welcome in God’s house. I was forced to do life on my own…and I did NOT do it well.
After college I lived with my parents for a while. My mom started questioning how much time I spent going out to bars and of course I lied and played it off as no big deal. Really, though, I was drinking almost every night. Not long after that, my parents moved to Plano, Texas and I moved in to my first apartment. This gave me some privacy and freedom that I wasn’t ready to handle. I started going out and meeting guys and hooking up. I was craving that feeling Id discovered in college and no one was around to tell me I was out of control. I would go back to Stillwater a lot to see friends and party and it was during one of these trips that I was arrested for my first DUI. It was scary and it cost me some money, but I moved on. No one in my family and only a few friends knew about it, so I didn’t have to slow down my lifestyle at all. No one was questioning my behavior, so I figured I was fine. Not long after that, I was fired from my job. I had been dealing with sexual advances from my boss, and my attitude had become horrible because of the situation. During this time, I met a guy who would be my first love, but who would also damage me in a way that I would not recover from until recently. Dave was an alcoholic and it was a very co-dependent relationship. He didn’t love me back no matter how hard I tried to make him, but he had no problem taking advantage of my efforts to please him. I would spend the next 7 years off and on trying to turn this relationship in to something that it wasn’t. By the time this cycle ended, I came to believe that I was worthless, unlovable, and didn’t deserve to have a man care about me or want to spend time with me.
In 1992, I got the news that I had been expecting since I graduated from high school. My mom’s cancer was back and it was more aggressive this time. For the next three years, she battled breast cancer that spread throughout her body. Eventually her body couldn’t fight anymore and in May of 1995 she passed away. I had quit my job and moved to Texas a few weeks before that to be closer to her and help my Dad. Now she was gone, my Dad was barely functioning, and I was in a city with no friends and no support system. I didn’t know how to cope with the grief and loss that I was feeling without alcohol and guys. I was falling apart and I needed something to make me feel better. This is when I discovered purging. I couldn’t control anything that was happening in my life, but I could control how much food entered my body and how much came back out. The act of binging and purging gave me a release that I needed desperately and it was easy to hide from my Dad. I had no idea at the time that this would eventually become my biggest battle to overcome. But even if I knew that, I don’t think it would have mattered. It made me feel better and that’s all I cared about.
After a year in Texas, I was ready to move back home. My dad had met someone who he would marry just one year after my Mom’s death. I couldn’t handle seeing my dad with someone else and needed to get away. I moved back to Tulsa in 1996 and immediately reconnected with Dave. The next year was tough. I had a new job, I was back in the destructive codependent relationship, and I was grieving the loss of my Mom and what felt like the loss of my Dad as I watched him move on with his new wife. I was drinking every night, purging regularly and spending my weekends partying with Dave. At the end of that year, I was laid off from my job because of company cutbacks.
Within a month, I found a new job with an insurance company and am still with that company today. I was successful, started making good money and enjoyed what I was doing. But still I was not happy. I continued my destructive behavior outside of work, but because I was doing well with the new job, no one suspected that I was dying on the inside. After Dave and I finally ended in 1998, I went back to picking up random guys. Because of my relationship with Dave, I didn’t believe that anyone could ever love me, so I convinced myself I was content with being alone and that sex was enough. I wasn’t going to let anyone get close to me again, because I was not going to let them hurt me like Dave had. I would use guys for what I needed to feel better for a moment, but stayed away from anyone that had relationship potential. I knew they would never want me, so it was a waste of my time to even try. I thought I was managing pretty well.
Then 2002 rolled around. I had moved in to my own home the previous summer and it appeared to all around me that life was good. I did a great job of playing happy, but I wasn’t. And in January of 2002, I was arrested a second time for DUI. I was terrified about what might happen, but I kept it to myself and only told a couple friends. While I was still trying to figure out how to manage the DUI and keep up appearances as the happy successful person everyone thought I was, I got a call from my Dad’s wife. My Dad was having some heart problems and would be having a quadruple bypass the next day. I dropped everything to be with my Dad who was living in Arkansas at the time. He came through the surgery fine, but once he was home he had complications. We took him back to the hospital and a few days later he was gone. A blood clot had gone to his lungs and there was nothing the doctors could do. I had been a Daddy’s girl all my life, and I honestly didn’t know how I was going to survive this. And I guess in a way, I didn’t. I spiraled out of control, drinking every night after work. Because of the DUI, I didn’t go out anymore, so I was drinking at home alone. By now, my eating disorder was at its worst and I was purging 3 or 4 times a day. I didn’t really care about taking care of myself, and no one in my life was looking out for me, so I was free to continue self-destructing without anyone stepping in. Or was I?
I had spent the last 15 years of my life running from church, but thankfully I couldn’t escape God. He was chasing me all that time waiting for an opportunity to save me. December 31, 2004 was that opportunity. I had decided to go out to dinner with some friends for New Years Eve. After drinking heavily, I decided to drive home. It was only a couple miles and I figured I could make it. Wrong!. I was pulled over by the Bixby police as I turned in to my neighborhood two blocks from my house. I was taken to jail for my 3rd DUI. The next morning, my friend came and bailed me out and I went home to process what had happened. I was a repeat offender and it was likely that I would lose my license for a long time and possibly go to jail. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this without people finding out. I would lose my job, my house, my family and everything I had. I was seriously considering taking my life to avoid having to face the shame of what I had done, but I kept thinking about what that would do to my sister and her kids, so instead I surrendered to God that day. Psalm 38:21-22 says, “Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God. Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior.” I prayed for Him to help me and He did. Suddenly, I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt in years. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I knew that I would be ok.
A couple weeks later, I heard Glen Grusendorf share his testimony and speak about Celebrate Recovery. I cried as I listened to his story and I knew that CR was the place for me. I started attending in May of 2005 after completing court ordered treatment at Laureatte. I also signed up for my first 12 step. It was during that 12 step that I found the courage to admit not only that I struggled with alcohol, but that I had an eating disorder. I had never told anyone about that. James 5:16 says “Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” And so my healing process began. Through working the steps, I was able to admit my pain, give it to God and learn to move past my grief and self-destruction. I had so much shame that kept piling on and leading to more bad decisions and more shame, and I never imagined I could break that cycle. But with God’s help, I did. I learned that it was OK to feel pain and that I didn’t need to mask it with alcohol. Today, I live a life that is free from self-medication. I learned that I was not the only one who struggled. Knowing I was not alone made all the difference. And knowing that there were people like me in the church was both shocking and freeing. As a child, the church taught me how to behave and what not to do. But the church did not teach me that if I messed up, I still had a place among the body of Christ. I knew in my heart that God always loved me, but I had a hard time separating God from church. CR taught me that God did love me and forgive me. I learned that there were people in the church who also loved me and forgave me, and that my notions of church being only for perfect people were wrong.
Today I have 3 more step-studies under my belt. And as much as Id like to say Im healed, that’s not the case. I still have plenty of work to do. But God has allowed me to take baby steps in my recovery and because of that, I have been able to stick with itIt hasn’t been easy. Ive had to face some ugly truths about myself and about my family. But because Im not doing it alone, I have been able to work through each of those truths and become stronger than I ever dreamed I could be. One of the most powerful things Ive learned from CR is forgiveness. Forgiving myself was hard, and sometimes I still beat myself up about past mistakes. And unfortunately, forgiveness does not erase consequences. Although I managed to stay out of jail with 3 DUI’s, Im still haunted by my choices and mistakes. My sister and her husband started a non-profit that does work in Ethiopia where two of their children are adopted from and I have had the privilege of working along side her in that ministry. After my second trip to Ethiopia, I felt called to try and adopt one of the children I met while working there. I shared this desire with many friends and family and prayed about it for nearly a year before starting the process. However, when the agency received my application they informed me that because of the DUI’s, they would not be able to place a child with me. In fact, their exact words were “they would never consider placing a child with someone like me”. God is forgiving, but the world is not. I struggle with the humiliation of that rejection every time someone asks me how the adoption is going. It’s hard to admit that I may not get to experience that dream because of my past. But I know that God is bigger than the judgment of others, and if it is His will, then it will happen in His time and not mine. Until then, I will strive to get through each day without making poor choices. And when I fail, I will try again tomorrow.
Step 9 says “We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Every time I came to this step, I knew there was an important amends I needed to make, but could not because it would hurt someone else. Since my relationship with Dave ended, I have been unable to trust men. I came to believe that I was unlovable and that no man would ever want me. I gave so much of myself to him and it wasn’t enough, so if he couldn’t love me then how could anyone? I knew each time I worked that step, I needed to forgive Dave and let that go. But he was married, and it was impossible for me to reach out to him to make amends without causing problems with his wife. So I wrote letters that were never sent, said the words in my head, and tried to forgive. But the hurt and bitterness was still there and I couldn’t move past it. This past summer I was presented with the opportunity to talk to Dave and say what I had needed to say for years. We spent several hours talking about the past. I was able to apologize for the things I had done to cause him pain. And then I told him about the things that he had done that had hurt me so deeply. He knew most of what he’d done and he was genuinely sorry. As he explained things, he shared some insight in to his feelings for me that I had never considered. I assumed that because things did not work out with us, that there was something wrong with me. It never occurred to me that it was about him. His reasons for choosing other women had very little to do with his feelings for me. It had everything to do with flaws in his personality. Hearing that was incredibly freeing for me. I was able to forgive him for the hurt and pain he caused. When I left, I felt such a sense of relief. I no longer had to walk around believing that I was unlovable, too flawed to be worthy of someone else’s affection. I now had the tools I needed to start loving myself enough to let someone love me. Im realizing though that just as everything else in my recovery has been, this is a slow process. But Ive started counseling and am taking steps in the right direction.
Today, I am most excited about the possibility of starting The Landing here at Asbury. I have been a part of Life Hurts, God Heals which was the original CR for teens for the last 5 years. During that time, I have had the privilege of working with teenage girls to teach them the tools to find healing from life’s struggles through Jesus Christ. This is a passion for me because I was never given those tools. I wonder sometimes how different my life might be if someone in the church had taken the time to teach me that no mistake is too big for God to forgive. Celebrate Recovery finally taught me that.
Isaiah 1:18 says “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” I often cling to this verse when I get caught up in the shame of my past. It brings me comfort knowing that I have been made pure again. I try to speak freely of my mistakes and the struggles I still have, not because I am proud of what Ive done, but because I am in awe of what God has done in spite of those things. I know that I am just one bad decision away from being back where I was 7 years ago, and I don’t want to be that person again. Being at CR each week keeps me accountable and it’s through my CR family that I have seen the true love of Christ.
As a former drunk and someone who struggles with an eating disorder, facing food daily, I realize that recovery will always be a part of my life. That thought used to terrify me but today it gives me peace. I have accepted that I can not do this on my own and I am so blessed that God has put so many amazing people in my life to walk this journey with me. I am so grateful to this ministry for all it’s done in my life and for all Ive seen it do in others. But most importantly Im grateful to Jesus Christ for loving me enough to fight for me.
For those of you that are new to CR, I encourage you to keep coming back, even when you don’t feel like it and even when you think you don’t need to. It doesn’t matter what you did to get to this point in your life, and it doesn’t matter how long it took you to walk through those doors. All that matters is that by taking the small step to show up, you have opened the door to let God do amazing works in your life. Im glad you’re here.
Thank you for letting me share.
My Road to Motherhood 